The grassroots-inspired entry of Dave Burge, a/k/a "IowaHawk," into the Republican Presidential field is barely one month old, and has already caught up with Rep. Ron Paul's level of support in the polls. A campaign spokesman who asked not to be identified out of fear for his personal safety bragged, "It took Ron Paul months of campaigning and the chance to participate in all the televised debates to achieve 0% support - Dave just got in and he's already matched Paul in the polls!"

Burge is widely expected to do well in his native Iowa, where many caucus goers will confuse him with the "DaveBurger: two patties of 100% genuine Iowa corn-fed beef, and never a charge for extra grease!" Mitt Romney is reportedly considering buying every caucus-goer a steak dinner to counter this influence. John McCain introduced legislation restricting "meat-based campaign advertising," and it is rumored Rudy Giuliani may just have Dave whacked.

A part of the platform causing all this trouble:

I have not taken this decision lightly. When considering a run for public office, the first thing a candidate must ask himself is: what can I, as newly elected public servant, expect to get out of this deal? I have researched this question thoroughly, and believe me: being President is a pretty sweet gig. Not only does it pay 400 large, it has plenty of perks including "three hots and a cot," and the world's most fearsome military force at my disposal.

The second thing a candidate must ask is: am I qualified for the position? Let's look at the facts. First, I am a native-born citizen of the United States. Second, I am over 35 years old. Third, I have never had a felony conviction stick beyond the appeals court. And Mister, if that's good enough for the Constitution of the United States, then that's good enough for me. Google it.

The third thing a candidate must ask is: once elected, what can I do for the voters to keep them off my back, so I can enjoy all those badass job perks? The answer here is "plenty." Just take a gander at the Dave Burge Platform:

Read it all at the link above. Burge has already won his first endorsement from an elected official, so observers are beginning to take him seriously. In addition to Ron Paul and former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore, Burge's campaign is expected to affect Fred Thompson's yet-undeclared candidacy, as Iowans will be too paralyzed with laughter to pay attention.

Dave Burge could be the dark horse in this race. His campaign has already survived its first whiff of scandal over rumors that Burge's phone number was found in the records of Washington Madame Deborah Jeane Palfrey's phone calls - after it was disclosed the rumors were planted by Burge himself in an attempt to "gain an aura of Clintonism."